A Promise Kept
by kristleap
Summary: A private moment between Starsky and Hutch, during Starsky's recovery after Gunther's assassination attempt.


The room is as silent as falling snow except for one deafening sound. A sound that I've come to loath, the sound of Starsky being sick. I sit holding Starsky for the second time today as he loses what little he's eaten. If he hadn't refused to look in a mirror since he'd been wounded, he'd be shocked to see how gaunt he looks. He has to know how much weight and muscle mass he's lost, with his clothes hanging on him and his inability to take a few steps or do something as simple as shaving.

I've actually enjoyed taking over the daily routine of shaving Starsky. It gives me a chance to reconnect after a long strenuous day of what sometimes seems as just keeping our heads above water. The only comfort I can offer him is to hold him as his entire body convulses with powerful wretches of his stomach rebelling against the few bites we thought he'd been able to keep down. I hold him semi upright as he spends what little energy he has spewing his guts. His body can't take much more. I curse God in one breath and beg him for help with the next.

This session seems to last forever, when in reality it only last a few minutes. I keep thinking of the saying _what doesn't kill you makes you stronger_. I guess that's a good thing as we seem to have the weight of the world on our shoulders. I keep wondering when do we get to catch a break, a chance to stop and catch our breath. A chance to heal before we're wounded again.

As I wipe his face and neck with a cool cloth, I notice the first tear fall. It breaks my heart to see him suffer and I feel so helpless. As he continues to cry, he talks about giving up. My heart leaps into my throat and my stutter is never more pronounced than at this moment.

"Don't talk like that, buddy. You've come so far and accomplished so much."

His reply is, "Don't give me that shit, Hutch! I'm as helpless as a baby! You have to feed me, bathe me, clean up my puke. For Christ's sake, you even have to wipe my ass. Why didn't you just let me go to the rehab facility? I could have been someone else's burden.

"Stop it, Starsk! I'd never let you go to one of those places. I can take care of you fine here at home."

"You don't get it, Hutch! You don't understand how it feels to be completely dependent on someone else. As those words left his lips and fell on my ears, my mind travels back in time. My mind's eye is picturing when our roles were reversed. Starsky is holding me as I'm heaving my guts up and begging God to let me die. I think back to when all I wanted was another fix or death. Starsky stayed by my side. He cleaned up my puke, bathed me and yes, even wiped my ass. I totally understood how it felt to be completely helpless and dependent on someone else. Starsky was my guardian angel and he saved my life. I'd never have survived without him. I'm brought back to present time with a groan of pain from Starsky as he tries to turn on his side. I help him transition and lay down beside him. "Starsk, I do understand what you're going through, or have you forgotten what happened after I got away from Forest's goons? You never left my side and went through Hell's fire to bring me back. You saved my life and I won't let you give up either."

"Hutch, I did that because I love you and I couldn't go on if you weren't there."

I grasp his chin and tenderly raise his head so I can look into his eyes and respond. "Exactly Starsk, exactly." I knew he understood by the slight sigh and nod of his head.

I gather him gently in my arms and hold him till he falls asleep. As I lay there, a promise I'd made myself comes back to my mind. If our roles were ever reversed, I'd do the same for him. Not because I owed him, but because I loved him. Helping him to heal is helping me to heal too. As I drift off, an old saying comes to my mind: Your friendship blesses me, in our days of joy and laughter and in times of trouble or sadness. You dive headfirst into my heart. Thank you, God, for blessing me with Starsky. The last thought I have before I drift off for a much needed rest is that my heart feels quite a bit lighter, knowing we were on the right path of healing his body and our souls. He had kept my secret and given me my life back. I have my brother back and I'm getting the chance, I never wanted, to keep my promise.


End file.
